Well, this is the depressing installment of Dawn’s movie roundups. I think I searched for “death,” and then just rented all of the results. I also really let the movies pile up this month cause I just couldn’t motivate to write anything. (Yup, another failed NaNoMo for Dawn!) Meh. Anyway, get your hot cup of Joe and your cloak of depression and let us begin. Since there are SO MANY movies, I tried to put them in order from best to worst, since I know no one is finishing this post. Sadly, I kept putting so many movies at the bottom, the bad movies kinda start at number 5. Lemon.
“You are a Nazi and I am a Jew. End of story,” says his best friend to Viggo Mortensen’s protagonist. Indeed.
But it is the end of a wonderful story and fantastic movie. It starts off slowly, Mortensen is a professor in 1930s Germany. He regards the Nazis with that casual disdain the American elite have for Republicans. They’re annoying and stupid and he can’t wait till they’re voted out… But then they come to him one day. The Fuhrer LOVED his novel. Thinks he’s a genius! Would he mind doing some research for them. “Oh, well, I guess I misjudged these guys! They’re not so bad.” Then it turns out his best friend has a little teeny Jew in him… they strip him of his medical practice. Freeze his assets. But Mortensen doesn’t want to make any waves. He’s got it good. He tells his friend to buck up “you hated being a psychiatrist anyway. All those whiny patients! Go to France. Surf.” Well… you know how it turns out.
Nazi. Jew. Awesome movie.
Leaves of Grass
I didn’t know what to expect from this movie. The box has that weird surreal art quality of yearbook photos of Ed Norton. Like the 40-year-old virgin movie box. But I actually really liked this movie. Ed Norton plays twins, one a philosophy professor and one a drug dealer. The drug dealer has gotten into a bind and a mobster is after him, so he wants his brother to pretend to be him around town, so he can go to a different town and kill the mobster. It was a pretty good plan…but it wouldn’t be a good movie if it works out, now would it?
The Towering Inferno
It amazed me how old this movie was: 1974! I don’t even have to lie when I say I wasn’t even born yet! OJ Simpson is in it! Crazypants. I actually didn’t like it though. And I know EXACTLY why. The Twin Towers. I know what happens when a skyscraper burns in real life. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t exciting. It was horrible and gruesome. And this movie clearly had NO IDEA. Obviously, not its fault. But it was hard to watch. All the quips and the extraordinary heroics to save the building and the people with helicopters and zip lines, but in reality, you know, the most we can do is watch the building burn and the bodies fall.
This movie was very interesting. It stars Cristina Ricci, who I will always think of as Wednesday Adams. Wednesday is hit by a car. The driver takes her home and she quickly becomes part of the family. But she has a secret past! (Don’t they always?) Strange deaths start to occur and the father in the family starts to see a pattern. Anytime something terrible happens, the same dozen or so faces can be seen in background. Think Hiroshima – there’s Waldo in the background of the photos of the dead. Pearl Harbor? Waldo again! San Francisco earthquake- NO WAY! Yup. Waldo. Anyway, he sees two of the faces walking around his town and starts to freak! Something bad is about to happen cause…they are GATHERING! It’s cool. Rent it.
The Last Word
This movie is about a guy who makes his living writing “goodbye notes” for people who are planning to kill themselves, but can’t think of what to say to their family. So, he follows them around for the last week or so of their life, looks through their mementos and listens to them talk about their loved ones and then he writes up a “last word” for them and then they kill themselves and their families have closure. Unfortunately, he falls for the sister of one of his clients, but can’t tell her how he knew her brother. Ray Romano is also in it as his current client.
The Life Before Her Eyes
This movie tracks a Columbine type disaster, where the gunman shoots up the whole school, but decides to give these two best friends the choice of which one will die. The one girl is all “shoot me!” The other girl is all “yeah, shoot her!” She then has all this guilt as an adult and stuff. It’s all pretty dumb.
So, a guy’s father dies and he invites his old college friends to come spend one last holiday together. This movie was so perfectly wonderfully depressing. “There’s high school, college and then a black hole.” “Adults are children with debts.” It stars Hugh Laurie! And Kenneth Branaugh (you really must hear me pronounce Branaugh out loud. It’s hysterical.) And that British woman who is always in movies with Kenneth Branaugh! There’s a wonderful scene where she hits on the host of the party by showing up naked to his bedroom and he says to her “I’m not in the vagina business.”
This movie is awesomesauce. Depressing depressing sauce of awesome.
Charlie St. Cloud
I had to go back and see what my Zac Efron movie rating system was like. (I CANNOT believe he lost an acting matchup against Justin Timberlake. This is how we end up with President Sarah Palin, people.) Okay, so here’s my system: 1 star for starring Zac Efron. 2 stars for featuring a shirtless Zac Efron and 1 star for having Zac Efron sing. Zac Efron does not sing in this movie. However, he is shirtless. A LOT. AND WET. The movie is about a promising sailor (like America’s Cup, not Popeye.) But then he and his brother die in a car crash. Paramedic brings him back, but his brother stays dead. But now he can see dead people. So he hangs out with his brother and his friends who died in Iraq. Then he has an affair with a young woman, who is trying to sail around the world. But then three days later, he learns his girlfriend HAS BEEN MISSING FOR A WEEK! She’s in his head! Dun dun dun. Oh yeah, minus one star for Zac Efron making out with some lame chick.