Hello there good movie viewers of movielandia! No? Movetopia? Fine. FINE!
It’s May! Wooo…almost my birthday. Is everyone excited? I thought you would be. You have two months and one week to come up with the perfect way of honoring my greatness. FYI: My birthstone is the ruby.
Anyhoo, I totally thought I had slacked on my movie watching, but it seems I still managed a decent amount of couch time and saw a, largely, good group of flicks.
Ticking Clock (2010)
This was not one of that group, unfortunately. But hey, as this falls in the category of movies rented because “there was a black person, who is not Tyler Perry, on the box.” And really crappy movies is pretty much the least a racist should get. Um… this movie stars Cuba Gooding Jr as a crime reporter who stumbles upon a serial killer who is traveling through time killing the people who were mean to him as a child. Awesome premise, yes? But then I need you to remember I said “this movie stars Cuba Gooding Jr.” Moving on.
The King’s Speech (2010)
This movie was okay. I cannot believe it won best picture…well, I can, the Academy loves Holocaust movies and accents. This movie has the second in abundance and a smidge of the second. I thought Colin Firth was AMAZING. Did he win something? He should have. Rush and Bonham Carter were a bit too flip, I thought. They acted like they were acting their parts. I liked the twist at the end. And all in all, it was okay. Not the best movie of the year though…
Black Swan (2010)
Now, THIS movie was amazing! OMG! I spent a week after I saw it going “ATTACK IT! ATTACK IT! ATTACK IT! ATTACK IT!” It was robbed robbed ROBBED! Stupid ass Oscar voters. I was leery going into this. The costumes are weird and the reviews about lesbian ballerinas gave me further pause. But, in reality, this is a movie about a woman coming undone. Actually, it’s about three women, in various stages of undoneness. Winona is after, Mila is before and Princess Amadala is during. It’s genius. She deserved her Oscar, AND HOW. ATTACK IT!
Children of Men
One of my coworkers recommended this movie about a worldwide infertility plague. It’s weird. It’s like a post apocalyptic military nightmare with serious continuity and motivation problems. Meh. I liked Idiocracy better.
The same coworker recommended this. I LOVED this movie! Why isn’t it more famous? Why didn’t it win awards? DeNiro is a criminal mastermind Pacino the supercop assigned to catch him! They meet face to face in an awesome diner scene where they basically say “I’ll kill you if you get in my way,” and the other one is all “not if I kill you first.” The supporting cast rocks the casbah, too. However, I do not know why an innocent TV had to be harmed in the making of the movie.
Tron [Original Classic] (1982)
This movie is awful. The hell? Our programs are fighting it out in cyberspace? And they wear spandex and neon? No wonder my laptop is always crashing. Save us, Tron. Yawn. Also, all the actors look thisclose to bursting out laughing.
Tron: Legacy (2010)
Now, this movie was genius! So, the son of Tron – well, really, the son of Tron’s partner from the original is now a fighter for freeware and open source code. He’s fighting the men who took over his dad’s company when he gets sucked into the cyber world which took his father 20 years ago! Okay, I’m kidding. This movie sucked too, I just wanted to make VinNay’s brain asplode.
The Amityville Horror [WS] (2005)
This movie is the beginning of me going all-in on Ryan Reynolds. Canadianness aside, he da man! And he’s great in this remake of the House from Hell. Also, the little girl in this becomes the little vampire girl in “Let me In.”
Casino Jack and the United States of Money
This is a documentary about Jack Abramoff. Man, I can totally see Petitedov going “don’t be Jewish don’t be Jewish don’t be Jewish” or “don’t be Republican, don’t be Republican don’t be Republican.” Sorry. This movie is great. If you weren’t sure if Republicans are evil…this movie is for you! It’s also for you if you’re sure Republicans ARE evil.
I saw this movie in AV club when I was 15. I didn’t like it. Then, by some weird chance, I saw it again when I was 25. I loved it. So, I figured I’d continue the pattern and rent it again. I still love it. It’s the greatest love story ever told. And no, none of our problems amount to a hill of beans in this crazy mixed up world. Or something. Sigh.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (2010)
This movie was a bagillion times better than the last one. At least it was exciting and stuff happened. But I’ll be glad when it’s all complete with the final movie I’ve got boy wizard fatigue.
Country Strong (2010)
I don’t know who told Gwenyth Paltrow that she can sing. That person needs repeated kicking in the junk. She’s been ruining my Glee for months now…this movie was like a two hour bad episode of a Paltrowfied Glee. It also stars the black haired girl from Gossip Girl who I usually like. Me no likey.
The Next Three Days (2010)
This movie was GREAT! Russell Crowe is back, baby! Obviously, there’s a lot of disbelief suspension required in buying this movie about a guy who breaks his wife out of prison after she is wrongfully convicted of murder, but the movie is good and Crowe sells it.
Fair Game (2010)
This is like a dramaticized documentary of the Valerie Plame affair starring Sean Penn. If you were paying attention to the news in the mid aughts, you’ll be bored. If not, you’ll be appalled that only a New York Times reporter went to jail for this.
Little Fockers (2010)
Blech. I didn’t even like Meet the Parents that much…why did this spawn two sequels? Double blech. Keep in mind, though, I hate Ben Stiller. Shrug.
The Resident (2011)
Does Hilary Swank know that she won an Academy Award? Wait, doesn’t she have TWO? Hmm…maybe that’s it. She’s all “bah, I’ve got my awards, I’m going to set my career to ‘Cuba Gooding Jr.’ This is the only explanation I have for her appearance in this grade D “thriller” clearly designed for a TV actress…like a basic cable TV actress. Blah. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who I usually love, is also bad. Terrible terrible terrible. Oh, the premise is her landlord is a psycho.
Oh. My. Lord was this movie awful. Starting with the fact that when the old latino cop from Dexter knocks on the apartment door to tell them to keep it down, you just know he’ll be the one to save them later because he’s too big an actor to waste for one scene. Sure enough, he does. But, and this is predictable too, the black guy gets eaten. Oh whoops, was that a spoiler. Bah. I’m saving you from yourselves. They actually had a dude yell “vaya con dios, motherfuckers!” Out. Loud. Where I could hear. No. Just no.
VinNay recommended this quirky flick starring the black guy from Community. It’s about what would happen if those cute plucky, precocious kid detectives like Encyclopedia Brown or Nancy Drew never bothered to grow up. And at 18/19 they were still solving the crime of the missing baseball for ten cents from their wooden “mystery team” booth. Oh, and what would happen if these developmentally stunted “kids” tried to solve a double homicide. It’s cute and you will laugh your ass off at the last scene. Hahahahahaha
Tristan & Isolde (2001)
This movie is a 70 minute french cartoon. Proving once again that Blockbuster hates me.
This movie stars Marky Mark as a walk-on to the Philadelphia Eagles team in 1976. He has some hot abs. Um. The girl from the last three days is in it. I also couldn’t help but think of The Fighter. Marky Mark always plays these working class stiffs with pro athlete talent who make good and get a blond wife out of it. It’s okay. The Eagles suck though. So that’s how you know it’s based on a true story.