Oops, I did it again

Be with me

This is a weird flick of four different love story vignettes. It’s in Chinese. Don’t do it.

Biutiful

I think I liked this movie. It’s not what I thought it would be at all. Javier Bardem plays a single dad to two kids and then he is diagnosed with terminal cancer. He’s also a criminal exploiting the illegal immigrants in Spain. He has to figure out how to provide for his kids after he dies and how to reconcile his bad deeds before he goes to hell, presumably. And then he kills a baby. Yikes. It’s a deliberate, though not always linear movie…But good…I think. (I’m still more than a little terrified that Bardem will show up to my door talmabout “friendo.”)

Cedar Rapids

Sigh. I had, not exactly high hopes, but hopes of some kind, for this movie. Instead, it ended up reconfirming the theory that me and my college roommates came up with decades ago about movies…if it can’t even get to 90 minutes, it’s going to suck. Sure enough, this movie about a button up insurance salesman who goes on a bender of crack, alcohol and adultery is not funny or sweet or even remotely interesting. I especially hated that we were supposed to be shocked that the black man speaks proper English and gardens — but then it’s hysterical when he goes all “gangta.” Eyeroll. I expected better from this cast. Also…whoa, I wondered what happened to Anne Heche.

Country Strong

I keep forgetting to review this movie. Or forgetting if I did already. But just in case, ARRRGHH GOOD LORD THIS MOVIE SUCKED IT! Whoever told Gweneth Paltrow she could sing…oh wait, this line is sounding familiar, maybe I did review it already.

Cowboys vs. Aliens

Dear Super 8, please take note: THIS IS WHAT A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOULD BE! See the title: Cowboys v. Aliens. Wanna know the plot? THERE ARE COWBOYS FIGHTING ALIENS! SEEE??? That’s how that shit should work! Anyway, loved this flick. I clapped when Harrison Ford came on screen — ever since that craptacular Indy sequel, I’ve been pissed at him. But he’s back in awesome shape in this movie. I also played the “guess who’s an alien game.” I was 1 for 4, which is pretty good if you ask me! Plus, I got to yell out “TAKE THAT ALIEN”! And, honestly, isn’t that really what summer blockbusters are about? No? It’s not? Is that just for black people? #races

Exit through the giftshop

Documentary about grafitti artist Banksy and possible street art fraud “Mr. Brain Wash.” If this were twitter, I’d slap a #whitepeopleproblems tag on this.

Dune

So how much money did George Lucas get when he sued David Lynch for this blatant Star Wars rip-off? Like really? Was it new mansion money? So, I’m apparently not allowed to say anything bad about this movie because it’s a “classic.” Instead, I will say you know what the hallmark of an amazing movie is? When every character needs to have a voiceover explaining what the hell they’re doing and why because otherwise no one would have a clue. And such a movie further ascends to the pantheon of awesome cinema when on top of those voiceovers, they have an overarching narrator because it STILL doesn’t make any sense. Yarf!

Vera drake

It took me six weeks to do it, but DAMMIT, I FINISHED THIS! I have no idea why the first hour and ten minutes exist, as an hour and ten minutes after the last half hour would have been infinitely more interesting, but I finished it! *slow clap*

Captain America

I took @VinNay to this movie for his birthday because he refused to watch Dune with me. We both fell asleep during the movie, though at different parts. This movie was fine, I guess. I just don’t like the notion that “Captain America” won World War 2. America won World War 2. (Shut it. I will fight you.) Like, if they make some movie where Sam Jackson’s eyepatch guy frees the slaves…um…actually, I might go see that… *whistles*

Harry Potter: Part 72 3D: The revenge of Voldemort’s Hammer

This movie might be the best one in the series. I say “might” because it’s been, what? Eight years? Who can remember! And I forshizzle ain’t watching them again. This one might also be better than the book about the same events.

Transformers 3: Michael Bay,needs a hobby

Robots from outer space battle for Earth supremacy. Somehow, Shia Lebouef is an asset. Things go boom. Frequently.

True Grit
The Coen brothers tricked me! Tricked! This movie was okay. Kinda boring. Really predictable. And boring. I guess some dude kills this girl’s dad, so she hires Jeff Bridges to track him down, but Matt Damon is already on his trail, so they go off on a “two scruffy men and a little lady” adventure. There’s a bunch of shooting. But not the cool rapid fire kind.

The Company Men
This effing movie is such a bullshit, racist, sexist, craptacular piece of crap that I will punch Ben Affleck in the FACE ON SIGHT if I ever see him! Arrrgghhh. He gets laid off, but keeps his Porsche and golf club membership, and his wife, conveniently, goes back to work as a nurse. Then, his brother-in-law gives him a construction job. Then his old boss is fired and decides to open a new company, on some Pretty Woman “let’s build ships together” tip, and he makes Affleck the head of it. Nevermind that all the women are either retarded or sleeping with men 40 years their senior or that the black guy is the best educated of the bunch and ends up working construction for free…wait, did I say nevermind? Correction. MIND!! Double mind! TRIPLE MIND! Right. In. The. Face.

Illusionist
This is a weird creepy cartoon about this wandering middle aged magician and a teenaged girl who decides to stow away with him. Uh huh. She’s all “I want new shoes!” “I want a pretty dress!” “Get me that coat in the window!” And he has to get like three extra jobs to buy them for her while pretending he gets them by “magic.” After a few years, she’s now a young woman and takes up with the first dude to bat eyes at her through a window. So, then the magician is all “you know what? Fuck you, whore!” I may be paraphrasing. Also, there’s no talking in the movie cause the magician speaks French or something and the girl doesn’t. I said weird already, right?