Oops, I did it again

Be with me

This is a weird flick of four different love story vignettes. It’s in Chinese. Don’t do it.

Biutiful

I think I liked this movie. It’s not what I thought it would be at all. Javier Bardem plays a single dad to two kids and then he is diagnosed with terminal cancer. He’s also a criminal exploiting the illegal immigrants in Spain. He has to figure out how to provide for his kids after he dies and how to reconcile his bad deeds before he goes to hell, presumably. And then he kills a baby. Yikes. It’s a deliberate, though not always linear movie…But good…I think. (I’m still more than a little terrified that Bardem will show up to my door talmabout “friendo.”)

Cedar Rapids

Sigh. I had, not exactly high hopes, but hopes of some kind, for this movie. Instead, it ended up reconfirming the theory that me and my college roommates came up with decades ago about movies…if it can’t even get to 90 minutes, it’s going to suck. Sure enough, this movie about a button up insurance salesman who goes on a bender of crack, alcohol and adultery is not funny or sweet or even remotely interesting. I especially hated that we were supposed to be shocked that the black man speaks proper English and gardens — but then it’s hysterical when he goes all “gangta.” Eyeroll. I expected better from this cast. Also…whoa, I wondered what happened to Anne Heche.

Country Strong

I keep forgetting to review this movie. Or forgetting if I did already. But just in case, ARRRGHH GOOD LORD THIS MOVIE SUCKED IT! Whoever told Gweneth Paltrow she could sing…oh wait, this line is sounding familiar, maybe I did review it already.

Cowboys vs. Aliens

Dear Super 8, please take note: THIS IS WHAT A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOULD BE! See the title: Cowboys v. Aliens. Wanna know the plot? THERE ARE COWBOYS FIGHTING ALIENS! SEEE??? That’s how that shit should work! Anyway, loved this flick. I clapped when Harrison Ford came on screen — ever since that craptacular Indy sequel, I’ve been pissed at him. But he’s back in awesome shape in this movie. I also played the “guess who’s an alien game.” I was 1 for 4, which is pretty good if you ask me! Plus, I got to yell out “TAKE THAT ALIEN”! And, honestly, isn’t that really what summer blockbusters are about? No? It’s not? Is that just for black people? #races

Exit through the giftshop

Documentary about grafitti artist Banksy and possible street art fraud “Mr. Brain Wash.” If this were twitter, I’d slap a #whitepeopleproblems tag on this.

Dune

So how much money did George Lucas get when he sued David Lynch for this blatant Star Wars rip-off? Like really? Was it new mansion money? So, I’m apparently not allowed to say anything bad about this movie because it’s a “classic.” Instead, I will say you know what the hallmark of an amazing movie is? When every character needs to have a voiceover explaining what the hell they’re doing and why because otherwise no one would have a clue. And such a movie further ascends to the pantheon of awesome cinema when on top of those voiceovers, they have an overarching narrator because it STILL doesn’t make any sense. Yarf!

Vera drake

It took me six weeks to do it, but DAMMIT, I FINISHED THIS! I have no idea why the first hour and ten minutes exist, as an hour and ten minutes after the last half hour would have been infinitely more interesting, but I finished it! *slow clap*

Captain America

I took @VinNay to this movie for his birthday because he refused to watch Dune with me. We both fell asleep during the movie, though at different parts. This movie was fine, I guess. I just don’t like the notion that “Captain America” won World War 2. America won World War 2. (Shut it. I will fight you.) Like, if they make some movie where Sam Jackson’s eyepatch guy frees the slaves…um…actually, I might go see that… *whistles*

Harry Potter: Part 72 3D: The revenge of Voldemort’s Hammer

This movie might be the best one in the series. I say “might” because it’s been, what? Eight years? Who can remember! And I forshizzle ain’t watching them again. This one might also be better than the book about the same events.

Transformers 3: Michael Bay,needs a hobby

Robots from outer space battle for Earth supremacy. Somehow, Shia Lebouef is an asset. Things go boom. Frequently.

True Grit
The Coen brothers tricked me! Tricked! This movie was okay. Kinda boring. Really predictable. And boring. I guess some dude kills this girl’s dad, so she hires Jeff Bridges to track him down, but Matt Damon is already on his trail, so they go off on a “two scruffy men and a little lady” adventure. There’s a bunch of shooting. But not the cool rapid fire kind.


The Company Men

This effing movie is such a bullshit, racist, sexist, craptacular piece of crap that I will punch Ben Affleck in the FACE ON SIGHT if I ever see him! Arrrgghhh. He gets laid off, but keeps his Porsche and golf club membership, and his wife, conveniently, goes back to work as a nurse. Then, his brother-in-law gives him a construction job. Then his old boss is fired and decides to open a new company, on some Pretty Woman “let’s build ships together” tip, and he makes Affleck the head of it. Nevermind that all the women are either retarded or sleeping with men 40 years their senior or that the black guy is the best educated of the bunch and ends up working construction for free…wait, did I say nevermind? Correction. MIND!! Double mind! TRIPLE MIND! Right. In. The. Face.

Illusionist
This is a weird creepy cartoon about this wandering middle aged magician and a teenaged girl who decides to stow away with him. Uh huh. She’s all “I want new shoes!” “I want a pretty dress!” “Get me that coat in the window!” And he has to get like three extra jobs to buy them for her while pretending he gets them by “magic.” After a few years, she’s now a young woman and takes up with the first dude to bat eyes at her through a window. So, then the magician is all “you know what? Fuck you, whore!” I may be paraphrasing. Also, there’s no talking in the movie cause the magician speaks French or something and the girl doesn’t. I said weird already, right?

This entry was posted in Movies. Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Oops, I did it again

  1. Ken Wheaton says:

    “So how much money did George Lucas get when he sued David Lynch for this blatant Star Wars rip-off?”

    Perhaps you should Google “Dune.” First book in the series was published in 1965.

    Apparently there’s a remake in the works that won’t have David Lynch involved. Don’t know if that will make it any more watchable.

    Dune = The Lord of the Rings for space nerds.

  2. Stephane says:

    Googling “Dune,” would be counter productive to my attempt to pretend I’ve never seen nor heard of this lump of garbage. Er…I mean “classic.”

  3. VinNay says:

    I told you you would hate Dune! I know I’m supposed to love it because it is a sci-fi classic, but you are totally correct. It’s such a mess. Movies should show me, not have to tell me.

    I’m very confused about The Illusionist. I think I saw a different movie with the same name.

    Transformers 3 is the second worst movie EVER.

    Why is everyone spoiling C. vs. A. for me? I didn’t know people were secretly aliens. Now I do. Jerks.

    • Stephane says:

      LOL! I didn’t *know* people were secretly aliens. But the movie is called Cowboys vs. *Aliens* and I didn’t see any aliens for a long time, so I took a stab.

    • Stephane says:

      And yes, there is also a live action movie called the illusionist…but this one is animated. And weird.

      • Sunny says:

        really request you to peslae understand history better. People believe in god even before Jesus. Its not just 2000ys old. Then in which religion Jesus was born and in which gods that religion believe??? There must be some other gods??? As I told you already gods in Hindhuism in India date back to millions of years ago. peslae go thru history thoroughly. Can u show me one real UFO video, but some junk/fake ones??? I want to see a real UFO video u got me???

      • Maram says:

        Millions of years? Well, since modern Humans(homo siapens) only arrived aprox 100K years ago, I don’t know where you get that info. You ask why not now??? Well, how do you know that they aren’t here? Not saying they 100% R but: Astronauts, physicists, doctors, pilots, governors, Lawyers, pilots, FBI, CIA and countless others all are willing to testify in congress to the existence of Aliens. Not to mention millions of abductions, sightings and other experiences. R they all lying?

      • Kenshin says:

        to google about Indian epics and vedas, you will come to know about that ioiarmotfnn for sure. humans and gods existed millions of years ago and people believe that. Coming to all those u hav mentioned, I cant say if they are lying. but they must be trying to fool and people and become famous. I will believe if I can see some scientific evidence that aliens exist, but not based on some well carved theories of somebody.

  4. Mark Poling says:

    Totally agree about Dune. I was in college when it came out. Went with the Science Fiction club to watch it. It was so bad we were laughing our asses off by halfway through. (Saying that the movie departed from source material is like saying North and South America departed from Europe/Africa/Asia about 250 million years ago.)

    • Stephane says:

      Where’s the like button?!

      • Mustapha says:

        说道:I enjoyed redinag your very informative article content. It seems we think a lot alike. I am very impressed with your well-written content. You must truly enjoy being a writer.

      • Mat says:

        would like to let u know that people beevlie in gods from some millions of years ago. If u the history of India and its epics, it is written there that they date back to millions of years ago. I dont beevlie in god neither in aliens. For me those theists are much better than these ancient alien theorists, who formulate their theories based on millions of assumptions, they some seem possible, most of them are weird. If aliens visited in the past, why not now???

      • Kim says:

        *Bangs head on desk Sigh.. another Ytube fool. Please tell me EXACTLY where I sttead that there ARE structures on other planets?? I didn’t. Not even once, because I don’t know if there are!! The guy I replied to wanted to know why there are no structures on other planets which is in itself a claim! If you want to argue a point, at least read the comments . I have not made ANY CLAIMS. I merely dispute CLAIM’s of for a fact that x and y is such.

      • Frankly I think that’s absolutely good stuff.

      • Hey, good to find someone who agrees with me. GMTA.

      • I hate my life but at least this makes it bearable.

  5. F-Train says:

    Dune — the book — is awesome.

    Dune — the movie — is craptacular.

  6. Grange95 says:

    Dune and Lord of the Rings were my favorite books as a kid. LOTR the movie delivered an amazing spectacle that remained faithful to the books. Dune the movie is not only an embarassment to the book, but is an embarassment to craptacular movies.

    Your review of Transformers 3 might be the only thing I smile about all day.

  7. Dr. Shady says:

    Thanks for spoiling some future movie experiences.

    Regarding Cowboys vs. Aliens: Did we see the same movie?!

    Regarding Dune: Disparage that classic again and I will come see you. And move some furniture.

    Regarding Biutiful: NEXT!

    Regarding Harry Potter: At what point do they shoot Harry?! That’s the only part of that movie I would like to see and look forward to seeing.

    Regarding Transformers: Michael Bay’s cocaine isn’t just going to buy itself. He has to work for it somehow, you know.

    Regarding Captain America: Who needs an indestructible shield when you can have a “Love Spear”? *looks around and puts hand down*

    Ben Affleck sucks. As does any person or team from the New England area.

    I can’t wait to respond to your latest blog. Oh. And watch better movies.

    Dr. Shady,
    loyal citizen of The Evil Empire (… and what?)

    • Branco says:

      I recently wcehatd the and I agree, the movies hold up well. They’re still fun and entertaining movies, good family viewing.Movies like Cowboys Aliens are all flash, big name actors and no character, and no story.

  8. Gib says:

    Dune: The Movie sucked. Its only value is whenever Sting presents himself as some kind of deep thinker who everyone should take seriously – watch his “big scene” and laugh and laugh and laugh.

  9. OhCaptain says:

    Cowboys Vs. Aliens rocked. Loved that movie. Took my 11 year old to it because, well, mom wasn’t looking. We both jumped at the same time. We then concocted a story about how the movie was really about puppies and ponies and told mom it was a very nice movie with only nice kissing and no bad words.

    Then we talked to each other about how cool the bracelet was and how kicking aliens butts with arrows and spears was SO COOL! We agree with you, it was great to see Harrison Ford back doing what he does best. Daniel Craig kicked ass as well. Although I still blame him for my fear of sitting on a wicker chairs {shivers}.

    Dune the movie is impossible to watch without restraints. I never got that movie.

    True Grit, another movie I watched with my 11 year old, we thought it was a very good movie. 14 year old girls kicking ass is kind of inspiring to an 11 year old. Just sayin’.

    • stephane says:

      What’s the daniel craig wicker chairs movie? I liked him, but I have to be reserved about my praise of Brits playing Americans…lest those immigrants take our jobs! 🙂

  10. Tae says:

    “Cowboys *&* Aliens.” Not “vs.”
    http://www.cowboysandaliensmovie.com/

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *