Dr. Clare's Electronicorium Emporium

Why is everything madness all the time? What has happened to us as a people?

Let Me In [Blu-ray] (2010)
This is a creepy vampire movie. Creepy because it’s about little kids. And it’s supposed to be about first love, but one of the first love people is a hundred year old vampire who looks 12. And of course, a boy who gets bullied at school. You know what’s awesome when you’re a 12 year old boy who gets bullied at school? Vampire girlfriend.

Jack Goes Boating (2010)

Bleech. Seymour Hoffman changes himself to impress that weird woman who plays Michael Scott’s girlfriend on The Office. She’s weird too and thinks everyone is trying to rape her. Or she does get raped a lot, the movie leaves that ambiguous. I dunno. It’s strange and too “indie.”

Stone (2010)

Um… the guy who plays Worm in Rounders is in this…with Robert Dinero. It should have been better than it was. As it is, it was NOT good. Worm is in prison, applying for parole. Deniro is his parole officer who is like a super religious guy who doesn’t believe in second chances, but he also beats his wife. Worm sends his own wife to plead his case with Deniro. They end up having an affair. So now of course, Deniro has to approve Worm’s parole. Blah.

A Handful of Dust (1988)

Adaptation of an Evelyn Waugh novel. Can I just say the movie is all Victorian and la di da and Paddington Estates and then she leaves her husband for lover… but THEN it has the bestest ending ever! Not worth renting the movie and it’s over 20 years old and based on a book, so I’ll just tell you: the husband goes on safari “to clear his head,” and ends up being kidnapped by a madman in the jungle who keeps him prisoner to read books! DUUUDE! If more movies ended with people who go “to find themselves” being kidnapped by illiterate madmen, more people would stay their damn asses home and take care of their responsibilities.

Life As We Know It [Blu-ray] (2010)

It’s the blond girl from Grey’s Anatomy and Fergie’s husband. They hate each other, but their best friends are married. Then their best friends die and leave them joint custody of their one year old daughter. And they move in together to raise the child. Awww. It’s just like Romeo and Juliet!

Abandoned [Blu-ray] (2010)

I rented this because it was Brittany Murphy’s last film. She died so young. SO SO SO YOUNG! Oh, this movie is awful though. If she weren’t dead, I would now be threatening to kill her. Alas. R.I.P.

For Colored Girls [Blu-ray] (2010)

I didn’t hate this movie. It’s dramatic. Real real bad things happen to the characters, but there’s no preachy message and they sort of triumph in the end. You know, as much as you can triumph after your family has been murdered, you’ve been raped by your date and gotten HIV from your closeted husband.

Superheroes (2006)

It’s a movie but it looks like a documentary. It’s about a group therapy…um…group for injured war veterans. We see it through the eyes of the weird 20-year-old volunteer who is videotaping the sessions. He befriends one of the vets. They go on a camping trip together. Raise your hands if you think this ends well.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles [Those Aren't Pillows Edition] (1987)

This is movie was okay. I’d heard so much about it through the years, I thought it would be awesome. Instead, it was a series of inane problems followed by even more inane solutions. You’re snowed in at an airport? Sleep at the airport until the flights head out in the morning. There. I’ve made this movie 10 minutes long and more interesting. I did laugh at the wrong way down the highway part.

Welcome to the Rileys (2010)

Man goes on a business trip to New Orleans. Goes to a strip club. Meets a stripper about the age of his dead daughter. Decides to move in with her to take care of her. His wife in Chicago decides to come down to help. O_O. Um. How come it’s always the white hooker girls who find salvation through the sex industry?

Never Let Me Go (2010)
You don’t know what this movie is about at first…so I’m not sure I should say. I liked it, think you should see it. It elicits interesting moral questions. But the characters aren’t annoying.

Conviction (2010)

You know where all the characters are annoying? In this movie. It’s based on the true story of a high school drop out who gets her GED, goes to college, graduates law school and passes the bar after her brother is convicted of murder.

Megamind

This movie wasn’t awful…though there’s about forty minutes sorta right in the middle where you will sigh and say “this movie is awful.” I really don’t think it’s for kids…unless you’ve got some twisted kids over there…in which case I don’t think they should watch this movie either…they might get ideas. Overlordy ideas. The premise is that there is a good superhero and a bad supervillain and one day the bad guy wins. What now?

You Again

Now THIS is an awful movie. I just don’t get it. The cast: Kristen Bell, Betty White, Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Curtis should have been able to do better with this premise of two generations of high school rivalries facing the prospect of becoming family via marriage. But nope. It’s terrible from the first “oh look Kristen Bell is the ugly girl” scene to the “look now everybody is dancing the Macarena together” final scene.

Dark Victory

I must have been in a Bette Davis mood one day, cause Netflix keeps sending me these old Davis movies. In this one she is a pants wearing, scotch drinking horse rider from a wealthy family. She gets diagnosed with an incurable glioma, but her family and friends decide to lie and say the surgery was successful. She finds out the truth. Dun dun dun. It’s okay.

Persepolis

This is an animated motion picture version of the autobiographical graphic novel of this Iranian ex patriot’s life. It’s excellent. You love her as a little girl, love her family and are sad about what happens to them and their country. Yep, I feel sorry for Iran. That’s some good storytelling right there.

CJ7

This is another movie from the Ku-Fu Hustle people. It’s about a single dad struggling to send his kid to a fancy prep school even though they are so poor the kid wears hand me downs from the dump to school. He is teased mercilessly and one day throws a tantrum in the toy store cause he wants the hot new toy all the other kids have. His dad goes rummaging around the dump and finds something quite special. CJ7! It’s cute.

Shaolin Soccer

Again, same people as Kung Fu hustle, but nowhere as good. It’s weird and doesn’t really make any sense.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

The new one. I’ve never seen the original (I have enough problems sleeping without Freddy nightmares.) But I had a hunch the remake would be lame enough for me to handle. I was right. Meh. One cool fight scene toward the end, but the lines were your hackneyed C list movie level.

Friday the 13th

Ditto. The new version is lame. (I did see the original of this one.) It stars Rory’s doofus first love from Gilmore Girls. Everybody dies by variations of getting stabbed in the head… after a while it loses the gore factor. Ooh, there is a whole Lagavulin scene in it though, just for @astinto.

Case 39

Oh. My. God. I picked up this Renee Zwellwegger flick and expected the utter worst. She plays a social worker who has 38 cases of neglected kids on her plate when her boss comes over and hands her a new one. Yeah, lame right? Uh uh. Thirty minutes later, I’m screaming my head off, swearing off having further contact with any children anywhere and trying to hide. Good lord it scared the crap out of me!

Not Easily Broken

Er… I don’t know why Blockbuster sent me this tale of a marriage on the rocks. There’s a lot of baptist church scenes and crazy, neck snapping black women emasculating their poor black husbands until they run straight into the arms of a white woman, so naturally I blamed Tyler Perry. But no, tis reverend TJ Jakes what was to blame. Awful.

Ace Ventura: when nature calls

No clue why, of all the Jim Carrey comedies, Blockbuster would send the *sequel* to Ace Ventura. I mean, how am I to understand what’s happening without the benefit of the original?! I half watched it while falling asleep. Wretched.

Middle Men

Owen Wilson’s brother plays a straight man who gets mixed up with the inventors of online p*rn. He sees the dollar signs and spirals into a world of mobsters and kiddie p*rnographers. It’s decent.

My Soul to Take

Is in the boogie man genre of horror. There are some gruesome deaths, you aren’t quite sure who the killer is until the end, so it serves it’s purpose. And it’s got a black kid!

I am love

This movie is in Italian. It’s set in Italy. The cinematography is simply breathtaking. Did I do that right? That’s the classy way of saying an arty movie sucks, yes? It’s about a redheaded Russian housewife who is a whore. O_o

You will meet a tall dark stranger

Ugh. Yet another in what I’m calling the “Viagra Genre,” of films. Basically, Anthony Hopkins is 400 years old, leaves his 300 year old wife and marries a 20-year-old hooker. Then his daughter’s husband leaves her for the across the hall neighbor who changes without drawing her window blinds and he steals a novel from a guy in a coma. Ugh. Retarded. The whole thing is retarded. #NoSarahPalin

The Girl Who Kicked a Hornet’s Nest
This movie was crap. For the same reasons I hated the last one. But now that they’ve finished the trilogy, the Americans can remake these properly. They really especially butchered the third book.

I’m Still Here

I was fine with this movie until I started to get bored about three quarters of the way through and googled it and found out it was a “mockumentary.” Fuck is that?! So this was supposed to chronicle Joaquin Phoenix’s meltdown and retirement from acting and foray into rapping. That was fine. It was compelling even. Douchey and self involved, but, hey I have eleven fifty blogs, so who am I to judge. BUT ALL MY DAMN HELL ASS BLOGS ARE REAL! Although a fiction blog has been…wait…where was I… yeah… so I thought I was watching reality, then found out I wasn’t and then I was annoyed.

Buried

So in keeping up with my main man Ryan “totally NOT Canadian” Reynolds. I rented this flick. It’s called Buried. The box cover is a dude in a coffin. That’s the plot. Dude kidnapped and buried alive in Iraq for ransom. So here’s the thing. If you’re claustrophobic at all stay away. Cause really, the whole movie takes place in a box. I liked it, it was scary…there are some contrived moments that made me roll my eyes because DUDE there’s already a guy buried alive, do you need extra drama here? No. But your heart will race. It ends well.

The Old Maid

Old timey movie starring Bette Davis. She plays an old maid. Well, and a whore. Her cousin dumps this dude to marry another dude, Bette Davis feels all bad for the first dude and shags him. Gets knocked up. Has to fake an illness and “move out West” to have the kid. Then she has to take in thirty war orphans to hide the kid. It’s weird. And for the record, Bette Davis’ eyes? Also weird.

Guess Who

Totally thought I was going to hate this movie. I didn’t. I’ve never seen the original though, so I get the feeling the cavalier way that Bernie Mac is irritated that Ashton Kutcher is white doesn’t quite capture the impact of the original. Bernie Mac’s wife annoyed the hell out of me though. No idea why he married her. Certainly don’t get why he’d want to renew vows to her. This may be part of my ongoing irritation with the way black women are portrayed in movies, especially comedies. Oh, um, plot? Bernie Mac’s daughter is getting married. Guy is white. Hijinx.

The Oxford Murders

DUUUDE! This movie is sooo good! Not the least of all because Owen from Torchwood is in it and I’m kinda in an obsessed with Dr. Who stuff moment in my life. Torchwood is an anagram for Doctor Who! Wait…where was I…oh yeah, so the Oxford Murders is a murder mystery (duh) but you SO WON’T figure it out! But not in an annoying way where they pick some random dude you see one time and make him the killer annoying… SO GOOD! AANNNDDD the movie convinced me that I am not bad at math. In fact, I’m a brilliant mathematician! TOO BRILLIANT for you not-as-brilliant-as-me math people to understand my brilliance. There is only one flaw in the movie, but I assume I only spotted it because I’m so brilliant.

Bride and Prejudice

Look. I absolutely loved the first two hours of this movie. Why on earth was this movie longer than two hours. I dunno. It’s a Bollywood romance. Starring Sayid from Lost! And the new lady from that Fox series starring Chance and the big black guy from Pushing Daisies. But no one watches that…so Sayid! It’s an Indian Pride and Prejudice thing with a white American named mister Darcy and an Indian girl. They are proud and prejudiced. But mostly there is singing and dancing. And brightly colored costumes! Oh, that life were a musical! I would say “my life” but I know my character would die early in the second half.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

OMG! It’s another Pride and Prejudice themed movie. I so didn’t plan that! This movie is awful. But Colin Firth… nope, not even worth it to see him fighting in a fountain with Hugh Grant. Well…um…okay, so how about you rent the movie, skip all the way to like the third to last chapter and watch him fighting in the fountain with Hugh Grant.

Cyrus

This movie stinks. It stars that stupid Knocked up guy. Not the main one, the other one. It’s HORRIBLE. It’s just 90 minutes of footage of socially awkward people with undiagnosed mental disorders and we’re supposed to laugh. Wretched.

Cry-Baby

Every now and then I find a Johnny Depp movie I’ve missed. This is the first time I’ve regretted my due diligence. Ugh. Why would he do this to us? WHHYYY??? WHYYY? Okay, it’s a very old movie and maybe he was just young and starving… What’s it about? He’s a bad to the bone teenager in a rockband called the cry babies. He’s sweet on a good girl square. Will she cross over to the wrong side of the tracks to be with him or stay on the straight and narrow with her grandmother? Yawn. It maybe is also supposed to be a spoof of Grease cause there’s singing and dancing and a car race thingy.

Takers (2010)

Vomitous. I had to, unfortunately, watch the first half twice cause I had no fracking clue what was happening and then the second time through, I discovered this was intentional cause it was supposed to be a clever double reverse double triple reverse double cross. It’s idiotic is what it is. Everybody dies. Everybody is in on everything. IT’S STUPID. Ooh, but they do shoot Zoe Saldana in the face! Almost worth renting…

Easy A [Blu-ray] (2010)

This movie was GENIUS! I avoided it at the video store for a long time cause it looked like just another raunchy high school movie for me to hate. But instead, it’s a raunchy high school movie to love! Very funny. Great script. Brilliantly acted! Yay! Hooray! Definite renter!

Plenty (1985)

Every now and then, I come across a movie that forces me to ask google one very important question. That question is “what the fuck was (insert title) about?” Plenty is that movie. Google didn’t know either. Meryl Streep was lovely in it though. O_o *scratches head*

Yours, Mine & Ours (2005)

Awww, this movie is like the Brady Bunch, if the Brady Bunch involved 18 children and forty-five pets and the dad from the Sound of Music. It’s cute.

Phoenix & Griffin
Total bummer terminal illness movie. I’m writing this review before the end cause, well, I’m sleepy. But so far, it’s pretty standard tearjerker fare with a not awesome twist about 30 minutes in. Best lines: Griffin: What is it you always used to want? Phoenix: George Clooney Griffin: I’m being serious Phoenix: SO AM I. GEORGE CLOONEY and if you really love me, you’ll get him for me.

Twelve (2010)

This movie is about rich, promiscuous Upper East side prep school kids who do drugs all the time. It’s told vignette story style and shows how their worlds collide. It wasn’t totally awful.

Saw 3D: The Final Chapter (2010)

THIS MOVIE WAS GREAT! Okay, it was probably just good, but I was expecting such sucky sucktacularness that the coherency of the story floored me! This movie actually made sense! I KNOW, right?! If I wrote those little quotes on DVD boxes the one for this would read “An ending finally worthy of the franchise’s beginning.” It’s a nice gruesome wild ride, right from the gory opening scene to the kickass finale! Yay! Saw is back just in time to not make anymore.

The Social Network [Blu-ray] (2010)

This movie was brilliant! I was riveted from start to finish. Though, I did come away feeling like all the parties involved are douchey assholes. But hey, they did go to Harvard. I am not exactly surprised. That Jesse Eisenberg may have just vaulted himself up from being the poor man’s Michael Cera to being someone whose name I might remember. Justin Timberlake finally finds a role I can believe him in. Brava. Slow clap.

Machete

Okay, seriously, this movie is just pure bloody fun. Like. Really. Don’t look for a plot… though there is something about a drug kingpin lord killing his family or trying to take over the world, I dunno. The dude that plays Machete kills people. With a machete. Enough said. Oh and he has sex with Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez… oh and there is lesbianism. Between Lindsay Lohan and her mother, if you’re into that sort of thing. And a guy gets crucified. So to recap: Things die and people have sex. You’re welcome.

The Hills Have Eyes [WS] [Unrated] (2006)

I was in the mood to be scared. So I rented this. I was not scared. I was annoyed. This movie is stupid. The bad guys are really disabled people. How am I supposed to be all rooting against the disabled? COME ON! Eyeroll.

Devil [Blu-ray] (2010)

I had such low expectations for this movie once I saw that it was brought to us by M. Night Shyamalan that I actually ended up enjoying this movie. It’s about five strangers trapped in an elevator when they start dying off. The superstitious guard starts to think the devil is near and is behind it. Knowing that it was M. Night Shyamalan, I expected it to turn out to be something else, something dumb like…food poisoning. But it wasn’t. It’s formulaic and if you are as avid a consumer of popular television and film, as I am, you will figure it out before the end. But at least it wasn’t a dumb bullshit ending like all his other movies except Unbreakable and the Sixth Sense.

Dinner for Schmucks (2010)

I am going to copy and paste a previous review now: This movie stinks. It stars that stupid Knocked up guy. Not the main one, the other one. It’s HORRIBLE. It’s just 90 minutes of footage of socially awkward people with undiagnosed mental disorders and we’re supposed to laugh. Wretched. Except insert the names of that guy from the office and the dude who played Cher’s stepbrother in Clueless. I really hope this isn’t the future of all comedy now. Blech.

The American [Blu-ray] (2010)

This movie wasn’t horrible. It wasn’t great. But I was interested. I kept waiting for stuff to happen though…it creeps. And then when stuff really starts to happen, it’s over. Oh, Clooney plays an assassin who tries to quit. Yeah…lemon.

Red (2010)

This is starting to become a bona fide movie genre. Old men wanting to keep playing the action heroes. This stars Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman as ex CIA guys who come out of retirement when their compatriots start getting picked off one by one. There is a ridiculous romance story tacked on. But for the most part, things get blown up and bad guys get shot. We should not be encouraging old men to run around shirtless with weapons though. Action movies are the domain of the young dammit. Get me Zac Efron’s agent on the line.

Secretariat

Red followed by Secretariat! See what I did there? This movie was FANTASTIC! Disney just knows how to make you love a movie even when you know how it ends. Yes, you will be on the edge of your seat, holding your breath until the final photo finish! Go, Secretariat, Go! Weird to see Lafayette all normified though.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole [Blu-ray] (2010)

DUDE. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. This movie is terrible. Awful. God awful terrible. It’s my own fault though. I rented a movie about talking samauri owls. I did that. Like, on purpose. I deserved what I got.

Mother and Child (2009)

This movie is told vignette style about women and the children they adopt or gave up for adoption or are living as an adopted child. It is designed to make sure you start crying the minute you put it in the player all the way to when you take it back to Blockbuster. Evil manipulative bastards. I need a tissue. Or a box.

Along Came Polly

It’s when a movie like this arrives in my mailbox that I realize that I must truly hate myself. What else would possess me to ask someone to send me a movie starring Ben Stiller AND Jennifer Aniston? WHY? This movie looked awful, I thought it was gonna be awful and VOILA It totally delivered!

Babies

Speaking of delivering. This movie just looked cute. Then it came. The previews are longer than the movie, which follows women on four continents through the last weeks of pregnancy through the first year of their babies’ lives. It totally reminded me that WYGANT TURNED ONE YESTERDAY! I was too hopped up on painkillers to remember yesterday. Bad Aunt Stephane. Anyway, the movie is basically like watching strangers’ home movies. There is lots of boob action. Oh, and you will hang your head when the Chinese baby is driven home from the hospital on a moped and the African baby is biting it’s way to dominance, but the San Francisco baby is bolted down in a car seat with a helmet on its head at the grocery store. Oy.

The Client

This is a super old movie starring Tommy Lee Jones and Susan Sarandon that I remember wanting to see when I was a kid because the commercial shows the kid hiring a lawyer for a dollar and I thought that was so awesome. And yeah, that was pretty much the best part of this Grisham story about a boy on the run from the mob after the mob lawyer tells him the mob secrets before killing himself. It’s not good.

Nowhere Boy

This movie is about teenaged John Lennon. He is living with his aunt and uncle when his uncle dies and his mother comes to the funeral. They rekindle their relationship, much to the chagrin of his aunt. They sneak around behind Aunt Mimi’s back. She teaches him to play the banjo and he decides to become like Elvis and recruits all his schoolmates into his band called the Quarryman. Or something. The actor who plays John is compelling and the woman who plays Aunt Mimi, is very famous and wonderful…can’t remember her name just now. She’s got like three of them…she was in Four Weddings and a Funeral….damn. Anyway, the movie is good.

Jump

Brought to you by the same people responsible for Kung Fu Hustle. About 1/3 as good. But it’s cute. It’s basically the same as ever other movie to feature the phrase “I just want to dance.” So…you know, there’s a dance off and someone sprains an ankle during the final showdown.

New Year, same old insane movie consumption rate:

The Girl Who Played with Fire
This movie was crap. Which is too bad because I loved the book. I’m glad they are remaking these movies because these Swedish versions are terrible. The girl who plays Lisbeth is all wrong. And the actor who plays Mickey is too old and flabby. There is a graphic lesbian sex scene in this one for those who are interested in that sort of thing. (“There is nothing gay about lesbians.” – VinNay)

Hollywood Shuffle
I liked the message of this movie (i.e. that black actors should reject stereotypical roles in Hollywood films) but the fact that it employs those very stereotypical prototypes to make the point AND that most of the actors in it have gone on to be some of the most egregious offenders… well, I raise my eyebrow.

Special
This movie is weird. Gracie recommended it. It stars one of those actors you recognize but can’t name, as a guy who signs up for a drug trial and starts to experience supernatural powers. He’s dropped from the drug trial and then finds himself on the run from “The Man” who wants to make sure he never tells his story. That… or he’s a delusional nutcase.

Carolina
This is a campy feel good eighties type movie. Sassy straight shooting grandma is raising her ne’er do well son’s three daughters. But she’s tough and controlling and then one of the daughters wants to break free or something. And there’s a love story involved.

Across the Universe
This movie is not at all what I thought it was gonna be. I thought it was the story of how the Beatles were formed. It’s not. It’s about hippies in 1960s New York. And there’s singing and weird psychedelic special effects. I liked it though. But the last scene kept skipping on my DVD player, so I can’t tell you how it ends. But it’s one of those movies where you get the feeling that even if you saw the last scene it wouldn’t really make a difference. You know, like in The Usual Suspects.

The Good Guy
Oy. I don’t know what it is about the former stars of the WB, in this case Rory from Gilmore Girls, that causes them to star in these horrible horrible romantic comedies. This piece of crap is neither romantic nor comedic and the whole time you’re watching it, you wonder how Alexis Bledel sleeps at night knowing that she has subjected her fans to this.

You Don’t Know Jack
I thought I was pro euthanasia and so I thought this biopic of Dr. Kevorkian’s life would be interesting. Turns out…wrong on both counts. Al Pacino is so dreary (and yes, I know this dude is Dr. Death, but still. Kevorkian was hilarious on that Michael Moore TV show!) The story is poorly plotted AND ultimately turned me against his cause. Epic fail.

Shrek Forever After
I LOVED THIS MOVIE! I also loved the first Shrek, but hated the second Shrek and then wanted to murder people after the third Shrek, so I almost skipped the fourth Shrek altogether…but I’m so glad I didn’t! It was terrific and empowering, but sweet and hilarious! The villain is great, Fiona’s great, even donkey isn’t as annoying as usual! Definite rent! DEFINITE!

Youngblood
Drizz is officially no longer allowed to recommend movies to me. Or Hollywood is officially no longer allowed to make movies about hockey. I’m not sure which. Blech. Rob Lowe is young and cute though. But the story is so predictable and all the actors are horrible. Blech. Did I say blech? Cause blech. Oh…um it’s about a country kid who gets a shot to make it in the hockey big leagues, but he falls for the coach’s daughter instead. And then he quits, but then he realizes he’s not a quitter and goes back. Or something. BLECH.

I’m Gonna Git You Sucka
O_O I guess this movie was funny in parts, but it’s a satire of black buffoonery that just isn’t satiric enough, so it’s pretty much just black buffoonery. And as Townsend points out in Hollywood Shuffle, there are jobs at the post office. Well, actually, I don’t know. We’re still in a recession… are there jobs at the post office?

The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep
I thought this movie was FANTASTIC! It’s about a little boy who finds a water horse and tries to raise it in his bathtub. He’s a sad little boy because his father has gone to war and his mom is running a boarding house for soldiers. Turns out his father was killed, but his mom keeps lying to him about it, but he figures it out sorta. It’s cute. Triumphant!

Princess Kaiulani (2009)
This movie is AWFUL! DRECK! I rented it cause the previews make it look like Mulan – with the defiant Asian princess girl all fighting for her country, but THEN it turns out she’s fighting MY country! What?! But not even really fighting. And the accents are terrible and there are no good looking people anywhere. And then she dies of a broken heart and Bill Clinton apologizes to the people of Hawaii for what we did to them in the 19th century. Whoops. Did I just ruin it for everybody? YOU’RE WELCOME.

Midnight Run (1988)
BLECH. This movie sucked. I fell asleep four times. I hated everybody in this movie. EVERYBODY. None of it made sense and…ugh…I can’t remember who told me to rent it, but I want to fight them. It’s about a bounty hunter who has a week to transport a criminal from New York to California to get a 100K payday. But the feds are chasing him, and a drug lord and competing bounty hunters. Dumb dumb dumb.

Tetro (2009)
This is one of those Vincent Gallo arty black and white movies. I didn’t like it, but Vincent Gallo also reminds me of people I generally hate, so that may have colored my view of it. It’s kind of a weird film and you guess the “shocking surprise” ending about 15 minutes in, and then you spend the next 2 hours of the movie rolling your eyes. No bueno.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)
VOMITOUS. UGH. Would prefer oral surgery. It’s terrible. Run RUN AWAY. It has a promising opening 15 minutes and then it’s an avalanche of diarrhea down a mountain AND IT’S LIKE THREE HOURS LONG! RUN.

The Town [Blu-ray] (2010)
This movie got such great reviews I was excited to watch it. Even though I am no Ben Affleck fan. It was wretched. Okay, maybe not Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps bad, but bad enough. There are some exciting chase scenes, but the conclusion doesn’t make any sense. The plot doesn’t really make any sense. You never for one second believe anything any of the characters say or do. BLAH. And there are no zombie nuns, so double blah. #RUDE #MISLEADING

Salt [Unrated] [Blu-ray] [Deluxe Edition] (2010)
No lie, I loved this movie! Angelina KICKS SO MUCH ASS! See, unlike The Town, this movie is well written and acted, so as implausible as the plot may be, you believe it because the actors are great and it’s action packed and you are willing to suspend reason because you are having such a good time. And the movie doesn’t promise zombie nuns only to give you Ben Affleck doing an annoying Boston accent. #Stillbitter

The Winning Season (2009)
Feel good tale of a hapless girls basketball team and their alcoholic coach who persevere and end up having…wait for it… a winning season. Meh.

12 Men of Christmas (2009)
AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL. Please note: I LOVE KRISTIN CHENOWETH. LOVE. I watched that weird Pushing Daisies show because of her. I gave Glee a third chance because she was guest starring a lot. Saw her on Broadway, listen to her songs everyday on my Droid X. And yet. Every second she was on screen in this movie I wanted to shove something sharp into my face. Oh, it’s the romantic comedy of a big city girl moving to Montana. And there she finds the love of a mountain man. Something sharp. Real real sharp.

Shrek Forever After (2010)
Yeah, I rented this movie twice. And watched it like six times. Get it.

Disney’s A Christmas Carol (2009)
Blech. This movie is like animated, but not. Like that Polar Express movie. It’s not very good. I recommend you just reread the book. Or watch the Dr. Who episode with Dickens.

The Other Guys [Blu-ray] (2010)
WRETCHED. I swear, if I ever meet Marky Mark, I’m punching him in the face for this. Again, a promising first 20 minutes followed by sheer utter complete nonsense. I don’t even remember how this ends, or I would tell you and ruin it for you so you don’t make the mistake of renting it. They don’t die though, cause I feel that might’ve made me warm up to this movie a bit.

Despicable Me (2010)
THIS MOVIE WAS GRRREEEAAATTTT!! Oh my gosh! The kids are ADORABLE, Steve Carrell is PERFECT! The story is hilarious, but warm. Perfect PERFECT PERFECT! Even though the plot device makes little to no sense. But oh my gosh it’s so cute, you die.

Flipped (2010)

This is one of those coming of age tales that Macauley Culkin and Anna Chumsky would have starred in if this were 1991. I dunno, it’s about a 8 year old girl who decides she loves her 8 year old boy next door neighbor, but he thinks she’s weird and runs away, but then when they’re 16, he realizes she is the only one for him. Yawn.

Amor, Dolor y Vica Versa (2008)
This movie is creepy and weird. But ultimately, I think good. I think. It’s weird and hard to explain. There are many dream sequences and the lines between reality and those dreams are blurred. I told you. Weird.

Elf [WS] (2003)
I think I was probably the last person on earth not to have seen this movie. It was great though! Very funny and sweet and YAY Christmas is saved. Whoops…eh, I didn’t ruin anything, everyone else has already seen it. Oh, who wants to see a picture?

You’re welcome.

Inception [Blu-ray] (2010)
This was the first movie I saw on my new 100 inch home entertainment center. Needless to say, it scared the crap out of me and I was afraid to be alone in my living room for two weeks. This movie is totally like Shutter Island, but hey, I loved Shutter Island, so more power to Leo.

Going the Distance (2010)
So, you totally think this movie is gonna suck, but then… IT TOTALLY DOESN’T! Hooray! Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have real chemistry. Their relationship makes sense, it’s almost as good as that Boston Red Sox maniacal fan movie! Loved it. And the ending is perfectly unexpected.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (2010)
I had given up on Nicolas Cage, but he comes back strong in this one! He co-stars with the guy from She’s out of my league, a movie I hated by the way, and it’s fun and magical, though the love story makes no sense for all the reasons the love story in She’s out of my league made no sense… that dude is patently unattractive.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
I dunno why I keep renting these movies. I find all the characters excruciatingly boring. This installment is no exception. Oh, but now she loves the werewolf boy too. So, there’s that. Some of the fight scenes were cool.

Eat Pray Love [Theatrical Version/Extended Cut] (2010)
This movie is pretty much as bad as you’d expect. Rich lady divorces her husband to have sex with a Spaniard in India. Or something, I dunno. It was boring, but the food looked good.

The Expendables (2010)
LOL. This movie is exactly as advertised. Things blow up. Girls are kissed hard on the mouth and things blow up.

The Disappearance of Alice Creed (2009)
DUDE! This movie is FANTASTIC. It’s a mystery suspense thriller with crazy twists. I was surprised at least twice! EXCELLENTLY acted and written and directed. Brava.

The White Ribbon (2009)
This is another arty black and white movie. I dunno. It’s about mysterious tragedies that happens in a small town shortly before World War I breaks out. I KNOW there was some message about the human existence that I was supposed to get…but…er… Also, it was in German.

It’s December!

Which means it must be the holiday season! I also know this because not only has my TV been bombarding me with those damn hell ass stupid “open heart necklace” commercials, fuck you Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, fuck you very much, but I also voluntarily rented a Tyler Perry movie. Like on purpose. I KNOW. Also, I completely hated only about half of these movies! HALF! Fa-la-la-la-la!

Children of Invention

I love when people recommend movies to me! Honestly, I will watch anything and at least when people recommend stuff, I know that 1) I’m not the only person besides the director’s mom to watch said film since it hit videostores and 2) exactly whose face to punch if it sucks. Happily for Gerard, I loved this movie! It’s not perfect and the ending is a tad contrived, though not as contrived as I feared it might be, the kids are as cute as buttons (that little girl needs a TV show RIGHT NOW!) and the story is touching and dude, I thought I was gonna start bawling halfway through it. Rent it! Oh…it’s about a single immigrant mom raising two kids without the help of their deadbeat dad. Yeah, it kinda hit close to home.

Deep Water

Zeem recommended this movie and it was fantastic! It’s a documentary about a 1960s yacht race around the world. It follows the stories of the 8 or so Englishmen who decided to do what had never been done before (nonstop solo sail around the world) and try to win fame and money for themselves in the process. I don’t care who you are, you’ll cry. Oh man.

Slap Shot

Drizz recommended this movie and I will have his head come WPBT for it. IT’S TERRIBLE! Okay, the first five minutes are funny. And as a new hockey watcher and nascent Rangers fan, it was interesting to learn about the penalties and stuff. But the rest of the movie? GARBAGE. Absolute, just poke my eyes out and bash my head in garbage. And Drizz will pay.

Winter’s Bone (2010)

This movie is FANTASTIC! I think Mary would like it. It’s about hillbillies in a place like West Virginia. But not. Or it might be. Anyway, the oldest daughter has to find her father or the law is gonna take their house. She meets some real bad peoples along the way.

What the #$*! Do We Know!?

You know what I don’t know? How I ended up renting a 3 hour movie about quantum physics. But, as I learned from the film, there are multiple realities all existing at the same time, so perhaps while I was watching this movie, an alternate Dawn was watching the Patriots game. There is no plot. There is no nothing! We never touch! Matter deosn’t exist! Your life is not only a lie, it’s not even your life! Or is it? Hey, let’s play basketball with a little black boy and draw on our naked bodies. You think I’m kidding, don’t you?

Knight and Day

Action star Tom Cruise is back! He plays an agent protecting Cameron Diaz from bad government CIA guys. This movie is just funny, action packed mindless fun. I enjoyed it, will never think about it again. Brava!

Airport

It’s funny watching a movie about commercial aviation set in the 1970s. People are smoking in planes. There’re three course meals offered, people eat with actual silverware. They dress up to fly! Security schmecurity! Astin would love it! The premise is the Chicago airport is snowed in. That same night a man buys a huge life insurance policy for himself and plans to blow up his plane to Italy so his wife can pay their debts. It has the feel of a documentary, but it’s not.

Airport 1975

Oh look, and it has a sequel! This one stars Moses and he’s all “listen up, dahrlin’ I’ll save you.” And he does. I liked the first one better. Way more believeable than this “a commercial airliner crashes into a single engine plane in midair and Charlton Heston parachutes into the cockpit to land the plane” one.

Dorian Gray

I love this story and I think I’ve seen a movie rendition of it before… this one isn’t bad, but it’s not better than just reading it. In fact, it’s worse. I don’t think they quite capture the process of Dorian Gray’s corruption. They make him out to be too evil too soon. It cheapens it.

Yellow Handkerchief

No idea what this movie is about. There’s a middle aged man who was just let out of prison and a teenage girl who has run away from home and a retarded guy with a car who follows them around…and then at the end there’s a yellow scarf flying from a boat. If you like artsy movies where you can pretentiously discuss lighting and mood and have no interest in plots or being awake, this is the movie for you. If however, like me, you thought this was movie version of that awesome short story you read in elementary school about the decapitated girl who wore a yellow handkerchief to keep her head attached to her body, this is NOT the movie for you.

The Last Airbender [Blu-ray] (2010)

This movie didn’t suck nearly as much as everyone said it would. I mean, sure, it sucked, but it just sucked a regular amount. I barely even rolled my eyes. I’m not familiar with the Airbender series, so I guess maybe that’s why I wasn’t angered or anything. But I wasn’t. It’s your standard kids with powers fare.

The Messenger (2009)

This movie was so so so good. It’s about an injured soldier from Iraqi Freedom or the Afghanistan war being pulled from the field while he heals and assigned to work with a Desert Storm vet (Woody Harrelson) on the Angel of Death squad telling families that their loved one has been killed. You follow them as they go to each house with the news and see how they spend their days in between those visits. It’s raw and moving but not preachy or annoying.

Happy Tears (2009)

Speaking of annoying. This movie stars Demi Moore and that actress I always confuse with the Weeds actress… Parker Posey, maybe? Blech. It’s terrible! She’s a bored rich housewife to a crazy trust fund baby and Demi Moore is married to a gay guy hoping to turn him straight. They are trying to put their ailing father in a home. All of which would be a fine premise for a movie, but why are there animations and stupid flashbacks involved? BLAH. DUMB. ANNOYING.

Karate Kid (2010)

I actually saw this movie on a plane a while back, but just forgot to review it. I liked it. Which, for a Ralph Macchio fan girl is crazy high praise. I thought they updated the story well…though, it’s bullshit how they portray China as if it’s just like America, but the people just speak Chinese. During all the chase scenes through the streets, I was like, Chinese police would have shot them by now. It’s good, the ending isn’t even a complete rip-off.
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I did it! A whole weekend by myself at home without any of the distractions of human contact! Apologies to the blockbuster guy.

One of the movies I watched is a movie I actually saw in the theater…back when I could afford such luxuries: There Will Be Blood.

I thought of the movie again, for the first time in a long while, when I was visiting Petitedov up in Massachusetts. During a brutal game of Scene It, I decided that I wasn’t even going to try anymore and would just answer every question with the catch phrase from There Will Be Blood: “I drink your milkshake!” I even have this on a sweatshirt!

But upon quieter reflection, it’s a different scene which I think really captures who Plainview is.

He’s just been approached by a man claiming to be his brother. He’s already lost his ersatz son to an accident and blames himself because not only is the boy deaf, but he’s sent him away because the child is no longer of any use to him.

Plainview has the whole world figured out. He knows exactly how to flatter a man to get him to sign away his assets and rights. He knows what makes people tick, and he hates them for it. “I see the worst in people, Henry…I’ve built up my hatreds over the years… little by little.”

It’s a sentiment I know all too well. I see the worst in people too. With most people I see nothing worth liking. Too loud, too whiny, too cheery, too glum, too vapid, too pretentious, too pretty, too ugly, too mean, too nice, too cheap, too insincere, too naive, too boring, too wasteful, too from France, too cracking my aces, … the list goes on and on.

It amazes me that I’ve managed to find so many people that I enjoy hanging out with because I really have built up my hatreds over the years.

For Plainview, the appearance of this brother is a bit of a miracle. A tangible, true connection that will humanize…even save him. And he’s glad. There is relief on his face as he says “I can’t keep doing this on my own.”

But Plainview isn’t a fool. He doesn’t let this hope completely cloud his judgment. And in short order, he figures out the man is a con artist and brutally kills him.

He will keep doing “this” alone. He will do it alone until he is finished.

It’s a sobering message. There will come a time when the people I like do things I hate. When their shine is gone and I’m face to face with a spoiled version of them; maybe even the truer version of them. They are not my brother after all. And we’re done. Though I swear, I haven’t murdered anyone. Like really murdered.

I know, because it’s happened. Again and again. And I’m always angry and sad and stabby.

It’s cool though because it’s better than suffering fools or frauds.

Yet, some part of me is still willing to try. Though, I’m old now and getting set in my ways. Still.

I try.

Until I am finished.