For we walk by faith, not by sight

Lent seems like just the time to stop overreaching, or underreaching or reaching at all. And hopefully, we’ll come out safe on the other side. –Clareified, February 2010

I’ve been struggling with the upcoming Lenten season for a few weeks. A couple of days ago, I settled on my Lenten sacrifice. This morning, I opened up my facebook page and stupid Ken Wheaton totally stoleded it. But his post is funnier and better sourced than mine would’ve been, so I’m not holding a grudge.

Plus, reading his post also made me realize… that stuff sounds hard. And when Easter comes, well, those floodgates seem overwhelming. No, my spirit isn’t tending in the eat better direction. Though, my splitting pants and aching back would probably like a say.

What do I want to do? What do I need to do?

I don’t know.

It’s been a long, cold winter. I’ve mostly just been waiting for a thaw – figuratively and literally. In some ways, my indecision is telling. I’ve drifted, further than I care to admit, away from my faith. I haven’t been to mass since November, when I was seeking solace in the face of my friend’s suicide. I didn’t find any.

I do pray daily, but lately it’s been rote, distant. The other day, one of the women I follow on twitter, posted a vivid dream she had in which she had a conversation with God. At the end, God poses a question to her “Where would you be without your faith in me?” The exchange has stuck with me. That last question, in particular, nags.

Where or who would I be without my faith?

Do I still even have faith? Perhaps this cold nothingness is me without faith.

Perhaps, my Lent this year shouldn’t be about a giving up, but a rediscovering, an adding to my life of the fire necessary to bring about that thaw.

Sigh. Do those new Scintolgy commercials come with a phone number you can call?


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4 Responses to For we walk by faith, not by sight

  1. KenP says:

    We should be born old and die young. Remember the warmth that would suffuse your being when you just went to church?

    I’m 70. You think you have problems young lady? I have those problem and a shortened perspective. I’m hoping it doesn’t take a lot. After all, Jesus was pretty inclusive on the cross and I figure I’m not a whole lot worse than that thief on the other cross. As we learn to question, it seems all this is natural. Faith can ignore the rational but suffers in the process. But, being a good person provides both faith and rationality.

    You aren’t doing that bad. #watsheno

  2. pearatty says:

    Whew. For a moment, I thought you weren’t going to be any fun come April 2.

  3. Vero says:

    Years ago I gave up organized religion for lent. Haven’t been back since.

  4. Aisha M says:

    This internal inquiry, this exploration is beautiful! recognizing emptiness puts you in the best position to seek fulfillment. I hope the fulfillment you seek restores you into who you’re meant to be. wishing you the best!

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